photo c/o Graham Holoch
Danni Blackman performs as TIGER in Variations on Desire and Decrepitude
Maybe I don't need to write much. All I need to say is this: I thought being up on the stage would be the pinnacle, the moment. But it wasn't. Not in my experience. I looked out at the audience (silent, still) and thought, "Oh, we have made an error of calculation. That which we thought was good is actually bad. That which we thought was rousing is actually soporific," etc.
Everything felt quiet and slow, the bodies in the room absorbing sound as it was heard on the stage. Walking on, assuming my first position, I was struck by what I would later realize was pure fear. Not something I often feel. But, knowing our show was totally new, totally of my own invention, and also, totally long, and all the music improvised... I felt the expectant gaze of the audience sweep in, and the spread of time expand.
I have often thought of this line from Mendhelsson's Elijah: "Cast thy burden upon the Lord/And he shall sustain thee..." It is a beautiful, and slightly mournful, passage that came to mind frequently as I rehearsed and debuted Variations on Desire and Decrepitude. The line and its looping refrain in my mind was an indication of the shared weight of making theater such as this. The whole greater than the sum of its parts, this show only came to its full richness via the care and contribution of our four actors.
Yifan Shao and I debuted our piece Variations on Desire and Decrepitude at the San Francisco Conservatory of Music on Friday, November 15th, 2024.
It was new territory for both of us, and we moved through a landscape of excitement, uncertainty, thrill, beauty, fear.
Our first rehearsal with actors was just 12 days before our show, and the night before we met I was gripped by nerves. I was worried about being asked questions I didn’t have answers to, worried about people not showing up, worried we’d made something overly complicated.
I was totally unprepared for the extent to which our actors would come in and make this piece their own, making it greater, richer, and more true. I left every rehearsal feeling absolutely humbled and honored that these people were dedicating their time and energy to this work.
Danni Blackman, Natalie Abber, Tom Hindmarsh Sten, Tugce Evirgen Özmen: thank you.
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